Tired of pretending
I look at all the formal photos covering my walls, thinking how for one night, I felt beautiful and completely "normal". I look at how make up easily covered up my fear and worries of being judged. My anxiety was hidden. My fear of the future was hidden. My fear of what comes next was hidden.
( Shout out to Leah Mohe for her photography, and to my beautiful fellow year 12's, Anna, Lydia, Eliza and Dion, I wish you all the best and cannot wait to see what you do)
Almost a month later, I sit in front of my mirror looking down at the make up before me, searching for something that will just take my fear away. Then I look up, into the eyes of a 17 year old girl that is meant to be a symbol of strength to her siblings, an inspiration and motivator to many yet as I look into her eyes all I can see is fear of disappointment, fear of failure, and fear of . I see the pain and struggles hidden by her smiles and laughter. Her eyes are screaming that all she wants to do is jump into the bed next to her and cry.
She’s only just holding herself together. Holding her head up high whilst she calculates in her head how long it’s going to take till she breaks down.
I look around the edges of the mirror at the pictures of herself when she was young. That
little girl had no worries, her head was filled with dreams to change the world, her eyes were filled with light and her heart was filled with so much love it filled her whole body. She was a princess, in her mind she thought of conquering the world. My eyes move back to the 17 year old girl in the mirror, she was once this happy girl, full of love and joy. Where did she go? Her anxiety has consumed her actions, she can no longer fall asleep to fairytales and lullabies. She now forces herself to rest. If you look beyond the hair and makeup into her eyes, you can see the full story. No words are needed.
Her smile maybe screaming “I AM HAPPY”, her makeup might make her face scream “I AM CONFIDENT”. But her eyes are screaming "my anxiety is winning, my worries are consuming my thoughts and slowly, actions to.”
Most days it takes longer than needed to get ready to face the day. Picking clothes that scream “Please don’t look at me, I’m a normal teenager , please don’t pick on me” And then pairing it with make up that scream “I’m confident, happy and living without a care in the world.” And then sometimes, most times, anytime, my siblings, parents, uncles, aunties, friends, someone, anyone says something, anything, and all of a sudden my head explodes with thoughts and worries, my heart becomes a slave to fear, my body begins to shake, my eyes start to water and I know my anxiety is about to get the better of me. Let me set this straight, anxiety isn’t just worrying. It’s your worries being all you think about to the point where it makes you sick and unable to sleep. It’s not having the power within you to change your own thoughts by thinking of something else. Living with anxiety feels like being alone in a big, scary, creepy house alone at night, hearing a noise that usually wouldn’t cause a reaction during the day but being alone in the big, creepy, scary house, your heart starts to race and your body prepares for fight-or-flight. You become extra sensitive to everything around you. Someone described the feeling of anxiety as if tripping and the moment where you don’t know if you’re going to catch yourself is how you feel all day long. That is a perfect description of what it is like living with anxiety. Always being on edge and worrying if everything and everyone around you is a threat or not. I know it's stupid, knowing that it's not really a big deal but suddenly something so small becomes bigger and it keeps growing in my head, flooding my chest, trying to escape from under my skin.I know with all my heart that I'm being ridiculous and I hate every second of it but the fact that not many people recognise or have the smallest bit of patience for people living with anxiety only makes everything so much worse.
Living with the anxiety, it's not always hyperventilating, it's having moments of unpredictable rage, it's becoming obsessive and hypersensitivity, talking faster than usual or hardly talking at all, it's staring into space and zoning out of reality to just see the flashing lights and mountains.
She was happy to be alive, but was she happy living ? When all her thoughts were constantly worries and doubts. (extract from my diary)
My mind may be constantly filled with continuous worries and doubts but my actions and heart will always be focused on the lives of those around me or far away, I refuse to let my worries, doubts and mental illnesses be an excuse to to treat people badly and not have love in my actions. I believe in a God who is stronger, but I've come to realise my faith in my God hasn't shaken because of my depression or anxiety. I trust that something good and helpful will come out of these years of suffering. My doubts and worries maybe consume me, but my heart will always remain faithfully fearless to my God, my beliefs, my morals and ethics.
If you live with a mental illness or you have a lot going on that clouds your thoughts day and night, message me, email me, get in contact with me, I want to hear your stories, I want you to know you will always have someone. I wouldn't be saying that if I didn't believe in the difference you are going to make in this world. We are never alone. I wouldn't have gotten through anything without the love and support of those around me. You will always have one person to hear you and be there for you. You've been put on this planet for a reason, one person can make a difference. You have the power to be that one person. I love you & I believe in you.
All my love.