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Real life.


At age 17, I may look happy. I may seem like I know what I'm doing with my life, and maybe I do but maybe I don't. Truth is, I'm more depressed than I've ever been before. After 6 years of suffering in the background, this is the worst it's been.

 

A glimpse into my world. I sit in a room filled with pictures of happy children, their eyes light up with dreams of reaching for the skies and stars above them. Yet I look at the walls surrounding me only to realise that the young girl in the pictures is filled with hope and love and so much faith in the world.

Not a day went by her that she didn't think of changing the world in one way or another. Yet now days this girl struggles to find motivation, she struggles to be the sister all her sisters and brothers can trust, she struggles to look in the mirror, she struggles to think positive things about herself. She keeps herself busy by being surrounded by people, to focus on others rather than herself. She hates spending any time focusing on herself and her dreams and ambitions. The photos in her room surrounding her desk and covering the walls remind her of the days she was filled with hope and laughter. But now her days are filled with fake smiles, fake laughter, fake happiness. Her work feels like nothing to her. She tries and tries and tries to be this perfect or at least good daughter, person and friend. Yet during the moments when she's all alone, she wants nothing more than to die.

 

I struggle with depression, I have for a while now. It's been a couple of years that I've been fighting these thoughts and emotions. I started this blog to be honest and relatable. It create a space and something that helps and I think since I still am at the starting stage I can be completely honest with you. Some days, well, most days I hate myself. I blame myself. My parents are divorced, my dad has moved on and I think he's happy. He has a new glow on his face, I'm really proud of him. We had a tough growing up relationship, it wasn't pretty but because of him, I present this sense of strength. My mother, she's either my hero or the bad guy. She's helped me alot, she's always been physically there but I can't say she's always mentally there for me.I guess that could be said for my dad as well. You see, when the divorce happened, I jumped into the parental role. I became an even more influence on my siblings, my every move was watched. Those kids are my life. They became my main priority, everything I do, I do in honour of them. But, my brother Logan, I've cried too many times to even be able to create something that makes him seem like a lovely person. But I can't do that, I've never been so disrespected in my life. But by my own brother, I always think I should've worked harder to help him more, If I had only done that instead.., If I had only been a lot stronger. I hate to say it, but I'm even more depressed because of him, and the reactions coming in around me. "It's not his fault Gase, grow up" "he's only young." "You could've done better" "It's your fault" I can't deal with everything anymore, I don't sleep till the early hours of the morning, my younger sister had to hug me till I stopped crying, I've just felt like giving everything up. I still think that some days. Well, most days. So much has happened in my life, mostly bad things. I guess it shouldn't surprise me that I'm depressed. But now, I'm surprised that it's so much worse than ever. I always hid my feelings, it wasn't my smartest move. It's lead me to this. If you're feeling insecure, please don't hide it anymore. When you break down after hiding it for so long, you're heart breaks into an infinite amount of pieces, that just cannot be put back together. Talk now, not later. I feel like I'm in a hole and no matter how loud I am and how much I cry, nothing will get me out. I'm stuck here, stuck in a place where I feel alone, angry, sad, upset. Where I feel like I could just end my life right now. Save yourself from feeling even more depressed and suicidal. It's time we spoke up, it's time we stop hiding our mental illnesses. Hi, my name is Gase Pikari. I suffer from depression. And I'm going to keep fighting against my own thoughts and keep fighting everyday to make a difference in life, even if it's only my life I make a difference in. It still counts. Let's walk together instead of alone. This part of our journey is hard, and it's even harder alone, trust me on that. Maybe we can help each other save ourselves or even another life.

(Photography by Schramko photography)

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