Childhood memories
Let's get real.
"I was once 5, and was told I'd never make it past 10. At age 13 I was pushed to believe she didn't deserve to be living. I'm now 17 & achieving more than I ever believed. // #realtalktime "
This series is going to be hard for me, to open up about my childhood is something that I've only told a few people. I remember more negative things than positive things happening around and to me when growing up. But the ones I want to mention in this blog, are the memories I believe defined my character today. [NOTE: I've only shared 3, I started crying and couldn't express in the depth you deserve 4 other memories, I am really sorry, but I promise to make up for it in the next couple of blogs apart of this series !]
1. The physical abuse from my parents [Let me set this straight, I love them both, most of the time at least, and things have kind of changed since then. But that's a story for another blog.] When I was around 8-9, I remember my younger brother Logan would always be getting himself into trouble and just before my dad would punish him, I would always step in the way without a doubt in my mind. I would always take the punishment and then some. I remember having my head smashed against the wall of the house, being locked outside, punched, kicked, slapped, I remember the endless nights of crying into my pillow praying that no one would hear me or else I would beaten some more. I remember physically hurting and my mind battling against itself if it was the right decision, I knew it was. Those countless punches, slaps, kicks, I would take them all again if it meant my siblings were protected I still look back at all those times I took the beating, sometimes I cry, sometimes I refuse to talk to anyone, and sometimes I sit on the roof of my house looking at the stars wondering if I should have gone through that, if I deserved to, if it was truly my fault for getting my self into that mess, but nothing hurts more than thinking what if I didn't step in, what would've happened to my younger siblings.
Thinking of those countless times I stood up for my siblings and the fear I saw in their eyes is something that always makes my heart clench and eyes water.
These memories, no matter how horrible, they solidified my love for any of my siblings, half, step, blood, and even friends I consider family. I wouldn't be as strong as I am today if I hadn't taken those beatings.
My blood siblings, the ones I've taken a hit for since day one. And till the very end.
2. My Grandma's love
My dad's mum was my best friend, she was always there for me. She knew about the beatings, about the abuse. She was who I considered as my mother, sometimes I even wished she was. I remember her and her 2nd husband (who was more involved in my life than my dad's real dad at the time) would treat me like royalty. I was considered a Queen among them. I was the favourite and sadly, the whole extended family knew. No one argues with me even today if I said I was her favourite. I was 11, not very childhood, but I acted like a baby big time. She passed away. I had lost someone who I considered the guardian of my heart. I was the last person to talk to her, her final words were "You're bound for greatness, if you always show love and compassion. I love you forever and always." She represented love for me, she was always there for anyone and everyone. She always did everything with love. For me, my moments with her taught me compassion, love, and grace. I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself if she would be proud of me, of the person I have become. Rest in Peace Nanny Lovey, I miss you everyday, I still feel your love with me everywhere I go. Forever and always.
I still remember the night I was told, the countless amount of ice cream containers eaten. I pray everyday that I carry the same love and compassion for people that you did. Forever in my heart.
3. HOLIDAY HEART. I LOVED CHRISTMAS ! My whole family loved this holiday! Every year since the day I was born I always looked forward to Christmas. Because everyone, and I mean, my whole New Zealand family. These holidays I learnt more and more about my culture. I was surround by elders who would tell stories from their lives, sing songs, dance, cook a lot of food. I remember this one time we all gathered outside just after opening presents and I remember one of my many uncles had started by thanking everyone for being here and then moved into telling the family about important role we play in making this family work. Being apart of something so large and beautiful always inspires me to do better and push on. These memories introduced me to the importance of family, extended or whatever. I was blessed to grow up around such a large and range of people. Because of all those conversations, songs, stories, food, I was able to develop my family orientated skills.
We all have moments that define our character and who we are. Sometimes we let a negative memory have a negative affect on us, it's easy to look at things positively to benefit us. You have future as bright as the sun! Even broken, you are worth so much ! Don't give up !
Share some of your childhood memories in the comments below or throw me a message on facebook !
All my love xo